Stripped

Loss is a many splendored thing. I’ve had that line running through my head over and over again for at least the last month. It’s the end of the year which brings the inevitable annual look over my shoulder. And that looking has brought that line to my head. Not because this year has been fun. Not because this year has been easy. But because through the immense pain and complete loss of this year, there has been beauty revealed that I never would have known was there.

Losing my Dad and one of my very best friends within 4 months of each other has completely stripped me of what holds me back. The two main culprits being ego and fear. I can trace so much of my hesitance and withdrawal back to those two.

But now, it’s as if a veil has been lifted. It’s not like I chose to rise above and cross over some line and be outgoing. When I lost these dear ones, I also lost that part of me that cared more about the world’s appraisal of me rather than simply living every single day to the best of my ability.

I find myself shocked by my response to people, circumstances and events. In the middle of something I will suddenly realize how different my response has become. The move to Tennessee is probably the biggest example. There was a time when I would have completely lost it at least once during the month long process of moving us across the country. I would have been anxiety riddled at the thought of a realtor coming to appraise our house and its worth or the movers touching all of our stuff. I would have sunk into a ball and cried, for weeks, in the face of leaving everything familiar for something, somewhere I knew absolutely nothing about. Instead, I’ve been excited and completely nonplussed by the realtor, movers and short sale process. I’ve jumped into our new home head first and loved every minute of it. And other than the bad week last week, there’s been no crying and no withdrawing. It’s amazing.

And so I’m uncovering more gratitude in the face of these tremendous losses. Gratitude for a freedom I never thought I’d have. Gratitude for a perspective which has allowed me to live in a way that not only would make my Dad and Laurel proud, but also that allows me to be who I truly am, in all of my glory and imperfection. Without judgment. Without fear. And what a truly many splendored thing that is.