Cocktails

After my Dad died , I had a friend who had recently also lost her mother to lung cancer who told me “If I could physically remove the part of you that will want to put a time limit on your grief, I would do it.” And at the time I remember thinking, uhm, ok. Whatever. I’ll grieve for as long as I need to, he was my Dad, and I get as much time as I need.

And then a couple of months went by and I caught myself thinking, “Jesus, why am I still feeling this way? It’s been 2 months already, shouldn’t I feel better already?!?” And I knew she was right. I tend to process things so quickly, that I get frustrated with myself when they take longer than I think they should. Especially new things. I get impatient thinking that I should have already picked up the necessary information on how to do something, why is it taking so long?! But here’s the thing, I only had one Dad. So, to lose him is brand new. And he was my Dad. So it’s a double whammy that is seriously screwing with my perfectionist side. I’ve never done it before and it’s an incredibly hard thing to process and integrate.

As I was running errands this morning, my mind in a fog of half remembrance of Laurel and half nearly overwhelming grief, I caught myself thinking, “Jesus, when is this going to be over?!” It’s been a little over three weeks now she since and the girls died and already I’m giving myself a hard time because it’s still difficult to take in a deep breath most days.

And I can see Laurel’s face in my mind’s eye as if she was standing right in front of me. Her nose is crinkling and her mouth is scrunched to one side. Her eyes are slightly narrowed, but sparkling as they always do. She makes eye contact with me and says, “Aw, sweet girl! You’ve got to be gentle with yourself. Seriously. This will take exactly as long as it will take and no longer. So ride the wave, girlfriend. I’ll make you cocktails while you’re waiting.” Followed by a huge hug, a rub on the arm and her very best crooked smile.

I miss her so completely it makes my throat close up.

But I will endeavor to be gentle with myself. For her. Because who can refuse cocktails?