Party

I’ve been hiding from writing a bit. I’ll totally cop to it. I’ve had all of these things running around in my head, begging to be written and I just have not made any effort at all to carve out the time and sit down and write them out. In my superficial defense, life has been crazy. Nora and Jamison both had ear infections. And we found out about a week ago that we’re being moved to Nashville with Geoff’s job. So that little piece of news has thrown my day to day life into utter chaos. But mostly, I’ve just been hiding.

When I lost Laurel and the girls, I put myself so far out there with so many new people that I think maybe I needed to contract a little. Re-center a bit and re-focus. So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Trying to live and love every single day. Trying to actively participate in every moment. Trying to be gentle with myself and weather the sucker punches that come. Trying to exist in a state of gratitude. And for the most part, I’ve been successful. But I think I just needed to do some interior work before I could thrust myself out there again.

But tonight, it was time to get back out there. So I put on make-up. And I put on a gorgeous scarf. And I made bread and a huge pot of awesome soup. And I went to the huge “Rainbow Reconnection” party that Alex threw. And even though there was a part of me that was shrinking inside, I made myself go and introduce myself to people I’ve never met in person before and I hugged and I laughed and I smiled until my cheeks hurt. For the first time since we lost them, their house was full to brim with noise and laughter and food and life. And it was amazing. The energy was amazing. And I just couldn’t stop hugging people.

There were moments, of course. Moments when the reality hits me that I won't ever sit on the back porch in the middle of the day and have cocktails with Laurel while the kiddos play in the background. Moments when I went into Hannah and Zoe’s room and they were still so present there that it took my breath away. There were certainly moments. For everyone. But mostly, it was love. Tangible, overflowing, growing love. In every nook and corner. And I just let myself be carried with and by it. It was amazing.

And tonight I realized that I was ready to be out there. Making myself known and letting people in. And I know that Laurel is watching me walk this path and she is smiling so hugely. Knowing me like she does, she is simply beaming at me and how far I’ve come. I know she’s holding my hand through all of this and there are no words for the level of gratitude I have for that knowledge. And no words for the amount of love.