Anniversaries

A few days ago marked 2 months since Laurel and the girls’ died. It was a rough day. A few days from now will mark 6 months since my Dad died. And other than it also being Geoff’s birthday, I’m sure it will also be a rough day.

What is it about anniversaries? My brain is selective in its nostalgia. It’s been 22 years since my Mom’s car accident that left her in a wheelchair and dramatically changed my family’s life. But every year goes by and my Mom always has to remind me of that anniversary. It’s been just over 7 years since my Grandmother died, whom I adored and still miss daily, and I couldn’t tell you the exact date to mark those passing years.

But I will always remember March 27^th as the day my Dad took his last breath and July 19^th as the day that I lost one of my closest friends and her three daughters.

And, to be honest, I didn’t think this 2 month marker would be has hard as it was. Because the 1 month anniversary wasn’t too bad. Strangely enough, it was the day before that completely wrecked me. I think perhaps because I was re-living the day before I got the horrific news, but from the perspective of knowing the news was coming. So I was anxiety filled and sorrowful all day long, almost as if I expected the news to come all over again. When the actually anniversary day arrived, it wasn’t so bad in comparison.

But this past Monday was really hard. I could hears those girls’ voices in my head all day; their sweet voices. Lucy saying Jamison’s name. Hannah telling me about excited she was to start school. Zoe showing me a new picture she had drawn. And Laurel was in my head all day as I had our last play date on a tape reel going over and over again. Most days I do pretty well, the feeling of missing them is always right under the surface, but I’m doing ok. But on Monday, I just missed them so much I could hardly function. The startling clarity, which I often am able to suppress, rising brutally to the surface of how much I lost.

I hope that grace is with me on Tuesday when we mark the 6 months that have passed since losing my Dad. I hope that I am able to honor him by celebrating my husband on his birthday.

And I hope more than anything that as these anniversaries keep coming, that I am able to let go a little bit more of the tragedy and hang on a little bit more to the joy of memory.